Best Night Ever

Ironically, last night {Jan 29, 05} was the best night i have had yet in the year 2005. After a miserable depressive day and an unpleasant argument with my brother, i guess his guilt trip sent him towards a reevaluation venue where he decided to make up for his actions. I went out with my brother and my mother to eat at Chili's. I got to taste a Mudslide (very good!) and we ate good food and the best dessert ever (chocolate Molten, omg i drool even thinking about it, FYI im still full, i ate like a pig). We just sat around the table and joked around and just remiscing about old times b4 i was born. My dad called midway through dinner and i could tell he felt nostalgic after learning that we all went out to dinner. He said "solo falta tu hermana" to which we replied "tu haces falta tambn" Yes it was all very touching and GAY, lol. After this we went to the movies and watched Hide & Seek {mom had a fit & started to pout bcuz she doesnt like scary movies but saw it anyways and FYI the movie; it's ok not what i expected}. I just liked the night all in all. I got to bond with my "family" and i had a great time, just being with them, it's been a long time since we don't go out together, just us. Actually i can't even remember another time when we did, did i just go out with my family for the first time? kinda sad but true. I just feel glad and happy in this moment, sucks to know this feeling and that moment passed and soon i have to go back to my normal anti-social self.

Worst Night Ever

In life we are always accostumed to certain things and when these things change, we feel lost and with the need to get these lost things back. We want things to be the way they used to be so we can feel familiar with what used to be "normal" to us. But i have come to the conclusion that many things won't ever be the same in my life. I used to whine about how much i missed my so-called friends and how much i missed being "part of the crew & one of the guys" but i have realized that I can't just go back in time or change the course of things now. I can just make the best of every minute and try to convince myself that things might actually fall into place. I went out with the guys and some friends and i felt horrible. So out of place and so out of cue that i wanted to go home as soon as i got there. More so knowing some disturbing facts, it was inevitable for me to feel dumb as i was feeling uncomfortable. I guess that my wish was fulfilled yet i felt empty inside and i realized the void wont be filled if things go back to the way they used to be, bcuz I just can't turn back time, we can't be who we were, we are now different ppl. I have to live with this fact and face reality. I need to focus on the future and never look back towards my past...

You win some, you lose some

As i have learned from many experiences, when you meet somebody and this person becomes your friend, this person has come to your life for a reason or a purpose. Sometimes to teach you a lesson, to help you with something or just to prove something to you. But we have to be careful who we give our trust to bcuz in this world we have an extreme population of what i call "Shady PPL" And it's sad to know that sometimes you give everything you have and it's still not enough. It's not worth shit to other ppl and in the end you're just another mass in the multiple crowd of idiots. Too bad we can't find out whose being honest and whose not. Though i will always lose friends and gain "friends" I will always cherish the ones that are tru to me and i will not change with them bcuz a lover came in my life. I can't be a hipocrite and i can't lie to ppl and most of all i cant be friends will a shady person...

Phoebe's Grandma Song

Grandma is the person that everyone likes
She bought you that train and that red shiny bike
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner
And last time you saw her, she looked so much thinner

Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru
But the truth is she died and someday you will too
La,La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La,
La, La-La-La, La-La-La, La-La-Laaa...

Love

Remember all those questions i always have and never get answers to them? Well i finally realized that even though some things may seem as if they dont have answers they actually do. Cause you know what they say "Everything happens for a reason" If everything indeed happens for something, then its bcuz everything has an explanation. Nothing is what it seems, nothing is just what it is, thus everything has a reason for being... or does it? Sometimes we dont seek answers, we only seek the question to fill a space in time, I send all my question to fill a cosmic void in space. So as i keep asking un-answered questions and i find myself fundamentally un-marriable (stupid Friends comment), i am left with the pile of crap i talk daily, so... Good night void!

To whoever you are

And i wonder...
Are you thinking of me
Cause i'm thinking of you, also...
Do you notice im gone?
Where do you run to, so far away?
I want you to know that
I Miss You, I Miss You So

And If I ever hurt you i beg for some regret
for this shameless heart is sick of holding things in
and faking to everybody what feelings lie within
Only i know, only i hurt, only i feel
And only i can free my soul
from the emptiness it keeps

Happy Belated 3 Kings Day

I expressed to the transvestite what i thought about actions made and i still have no response. Im not mad, im not frustrate, i actually have a lot of indifference in me. And its weird & funny bcuz i HATE INDIFFERENCE. Thats like the worse thing you can do to me ever! Anyways, i expressed my feelings to this person bcuz i actually wanted to make that person feel bad. Is that wrong? am i trying to hard? I might actually be harvesting a lil evil seed in me like the MP crew said. I dont know whats happening to me, everyday i change and i dont even know if its for the best or for the worse, all i know is that im never going to be the same.

Feeling crappy

I feel so crappy that i havent gotten out of bed all day. Happy 3 kings day! I got the 7th season of the sitcom Friends, which i love, and i have been watching it all day. I am feeling sicker than yesterday. I took my medication and my eyes are still half-open and i cant walk for more than 5 minutes without getting tired. Yesterday an incident happened that made me feel worse. My so called friends "MP CREW" The guys which i told would never fail me kinda did. They knew i was sick and none of them even bothered to know how i was feeling. I told them to come over and they said "I dont wanna risk my health" I seriously think its fucked up. I understand they dont wanna get sick but its not like im going to cough in their face! Anyways today has been sucking too, i havent done much and i couldnt even go to my grandparents house bcuz i feel crappy. Anyways hopefully things will look up and i will feel better for when school starts. This is going to be my last semester in CORA and for all its worth i wanna do good. Take Care my dear friend, i think the medication made me delirious, so im just going to lay in my bed with the other 3 purple fairies... Agent DIA17signs out!

My personal lethal injection

I used to think i had the answered to everything. And that maybe, the things i didnt have an answer to, didnt really have answers at all. I have always known myself as a smart girl and well pretty much ambitious. But i lack self-confidence and optimism. It's like when i was in fifth grade and i made a dance for our local Talent Show, at last minute my friend backed out and when i finally convinced her to do it, i was the one who backed out. I had practiced so much and i was the one who did it, I MADE EVERY SINGLE MOVE. And i have never made up for that one time where i backed out. If it hadnt been for this 6th grade group whom made a last minute Rock N' Roll dance, i know we would have won. We got 2nd place though! or at least, the dancers did... Anyways, i always think about stuff early on, and when i cant i feel suffocated. I have tried time and time again to succeed in so many things in my life and when i have failed, i have blamed myself instead of congratulating myself for getting that far. I hope one day i decide to congratulate myself for being and doing what i do day by day, if it can be congratulated at all, or maybe then regret the bad things i have done and finally look ahead at my future intead of keep looking back and remorsing myself. When i retrace my steps i only see empty sorrow and broken promises, i have yet to look further and find something promising...